Friday was my last day at Big Spaceship.

I’m writing to you now from bed. I have this week off as I transition into a new job (more on that in another post) so I am resting as much as possible, and visiting a few friends around the city.

My journey here hasn’t been a clear path. I am a design school dropout autodidact with a lot of interests and not many resources. I’ve had to make things happen for myself over the years, and along the way some folks have generously given me a chance. Plus, I have a supremely talented and supportive wife. I feel grateful for all who have helped me along the way, and that’s why I’m writing this.

I moved to NYC three years ago to join Big Spaceship. I got to work with a dream team on some great projects, and I even found a wonderful group of friends there. The work was great, and the people were too. But lately, the work has changed. For me, at least.

I left Big Spaceship because it was bringing me anxiety. It was a rushing river. I tried to slow the river down, but the current was too strong.

I find it hard to admit to that. The anxiety.

You see, I live for a good challenge; to figure something new out. That’s at the core of being an autodidact. I admired Big Spaceship from afar for years, and suddenly I was leading its biggest teams. It was amazing. There was one time where my team was able to push a $50K client brief and turn it into a $2MM campaign. What a rush that was. I felt I was finally doing what I was meant to do.

It was never easy. In fact, it was the most challenging work I’ve ever done, but it didn’t give me anxiety until recently. I could start to feel it rising in my chest every Sunday nights as the new week was approaching, peering from around the corner.

What changed? Was it me? Probably. Was it the the work? Definitely. The process? Sure. Was it all the new people? Well, the place had filled up over the years—I don’t know exactly where the anxiety came from, it wasn’t just one thing. I just I know that I needed to get out of the river. For my own sake. So I did.

Next Monday I will begin leading a new team. They say the grass is always greener on the other side, but I’m not looking for greener grass, I’m looking for a place to make a garden. I’m optimistic. It’ll be an experiment, no doubt. It’ll have it’s ups and downs, and it might even take a while before I make anything I’m proud of, but it’ll be on new terms.

I also want to have time for side projects again. I want to help make the internet weird, to shake it up a bit. I want to write poetry. Follow up on my ideas. Catch up on email. Make music. Collage. Write. All the things I haven’t been able to do for lack of time and sleep.

I learned a lot in the river, and I am thankful to Big Spaceship for giving me a chance. I’m thankful to all the folks on my team who put in more than they thought they could give. We had a good time.

I’ll share what I’m up to next when it’s time. In the meantime, thank you to all who have believed in me throughout the years. Here’s to another one…

Update (10-24-14)

I apologize if this post mislead you, but I did not start my own business as some of you were led to believe.

I actually joined RFI Studios as design director, and I’m happy to share that since joining, we’ve launched a new company site with a fresh logo and everything. It’s just an interim site to hold us off until we can get some of our current projects done and launched so look out for something fresh in the coming months. And if you have a project you’d like to work on with us, please get in touch.

As for my comment in the original post about making a garden: more on this later. I’m still working out some of those thoughts via Twitter and my newsletter.